This has been in my drafts since early December. I’ve known that I wanted to write about it; I just didn’t have the right words – or courage, up until now.
I sat in my room, writhing in pain, physical pain, and emotional pain. Everything felt like it was collapsing in around me, including myself. I honestly could not deal with the severe pain any longer. It was there, everyday, lingering and looming over me. I woke up with it. I went to bed with it. I was passing out quite often from the sudden and severe bursts of pain, so I always had to be watched.
That night didn’t feel too much different from any other night, but the pain was immensely out of control. I had no kind of pain medication available to me, save for my 3X daily regimen of 1,000MG of ibuprofen and 1,000MG of acetaminophen. Of course, it was doing nothing for me. But I tried because there was nothing else I could do.
I didn’t feel like I could deal with the pain anymore. Sure, that may sound like a terrible thing to say, but if you have chronic pain, you know what I’m talking about. I looked around my room for something that I could break into something sharp to, well, end it. I found a portrait made out of glass hanging on the wall. So, I busted it.
By this time, I was absolutely hysterical, because this pain was not going away, and I had a sharp item to my wrist. Luckily, I ended up speaking to my mother, who came upstairs and found what I was doing. At that moment, then and there, was when I began to consider medicinal marijuana.
Now, if you know me, you know how I felt about drugs. If not, here’s the TL;DR version: my dad used a dirty needle to use drugs once and had contracted AIDS from his best friend. So, needless to say, I was staunchly against even marijuana, mild as it may be. Plus, I mean, we’re taught in schools not to touch the stuff, so naturally it was bad, right?
That’s what I had thought. For so, so long. My mom had thought the same things, too, especially because of my dad, her husband. I struggled internally with the decision. I was very on the fence about it. Also scared, because I had never tried it before.
wanted needed to feel better. I was laying down all the time. Time with my son was sacrificed due to this pain. I couldn’t let it control me much longer. My boyfriend had mentioned it a few times, because, well, he’s seen just how bad it had gotten for me.
Now, as a note here, I had tried CBD in the past in tinctures and gummies once. It did not do anything for me. I know it does amazing things for other people, though!
I began seriously considering it. I had previously detoxed from pain medications in 2015. They were all legal prescriptions, too. Looking back, it amazed me how much I was really on. Percocet, Valium, a whole giant slew of anti-depressants and pills that didn’t mix well with each other, it was a lot, I was literally a walking zombie – who was still in pain.
My boyfriend and I talked about it, my mom and I talked about it, I thought about it. I came to the conclusion that it couldn’t hurt to try it. Granted, it would be a little expensive to try it, because I needed to see a doctor first, to get referred to get my medicinal marijuana card. My current insurance doesn’t cover very little doctors. So I had to pay $200 out of pocket to see the doctor.
But, I am so glad that I did! He was the kindest and most caring doctor, actually taking an interest in treating my pain. I honestly was truly nervous for the whole process. Once I applied for my card, waiting was practically hell for me. I was still suffering, hanging there in limbo. I was approved about a month later for my card, which came ten days later in the mail.
It was planned that I would try it at my boyfriend’s, where I stay over on the weekends, anyway. I was afraid, but he was going to be there with me. I’ve got to tell you, I didn’t go into this with the attitude that it would work. It was actually the opposite – I didn’t think it would do a thing because I was so tolerant to all pain medications.
So, I took five puffs my first time. Needless to say, well, my pain was absolutely nowhere to be found, and I thought that I was dying. It was probably hilarious on the other end for my boyfriend to watch. The strain I tried was Gelato, which I still smoke today.
I couldn’t really believe my luck that something actually helped my pain. Needless to say, I went back to the dispensary and purchased some more. Now, I have to say the one downside to medicinal marijuana is that it is very expensive. I sometimes spend upwards of $400 or more a month.
But I will tell you, the decision to try it was the best one of my life. From flower I went on to vape (which is my current and preferred method), and lozenges. I mostly vape, but when the weather is warmer, I will smoke a little bit of a joint. Edibles are there for if I’m having a bad pain day or night. I have lozenges for both. I smoke a hybrid strain during the day, and an Indica-dominant strain at nighttime so I can sleep.
It took me a ton of courage to put this out here. But I want to break the stigma after experiencing it for myself. Am I a mom who smokes cannabis? Yes. But for pain, not pleasure. I don’t get high, I only smoke enough to take the pain away. Some days when the pain is too bad, it doesn’t help. But the good days certainly have outweighed the bad as of lately.
In the year that it has been since wanting to hurt myself last February, I have learned so much about cannabis. I research strains to find which one is best for pain, read about the various laws that are in place, or will currently come into place, and more. My boyfriend is my designated “caregiver,” meaning he has a card, giving him the ability to shop for me, because I still have days where the marijuana doesn’t work as well as it normally does.
But most days these days? You can actually find me upright and walking around the house since I’m not in as much pain anymore. It is incredible. Truly incredible, this plant. Today, I am of the belief that God put this natural plant here on Earth to be used to treat patients.
Hell, I’m off a good chunk of the medications that I was on, including that Valium. Even the canna has helped my anxiety get down to a dull roar! I feel genuinely happier, and I am happy to report that my son and I spend much more time together now that I am not laying down all the time.
Nowadays, I really want to break the stigma surrounding cannabis. I admit, I’m afraid of being judged about it. I know that some other people surely are, too. Sure, it took me a year to pen this down, but I finally did it.
So, I’m a CannaMom, a Marijuana Mama, if you will. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I think it makes me a functioning person. I don’t really get high from it, and yes, my child knows about it, and is happy that I do it. Because even he has seen a change in me. He has zero interest in ever trying it, he said.
I am in significantly less pain than I have ever been. I feel like I am a calmer person because of it. A happier person because of it. A little less anxious because of it. I actually feel alive again because of it.