Learning to Love the Mom I Am (Not Just the One I Wish I Were)
BY: Jennifer
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning and I take a look at the calendar, I often catch myself wondering where the time has gone. I can’t believe how quickly the years fly by. My son, Syrus, is going to be fifteen this month. In just three short weeks. Like, literally, it truly feels like I blinked and now he’s a teenager.
I think about going to the beach, basking in a chaise lounge, taking in the sun, building sandcastles with my kiddo, and taking a cool and refreshing dip in the ocean. I wonder what it would be like to be able to whisk my family away for the weekend, driving to the shore, or hiking in the mountains, and having tons of summer fun.
I think about hosting backyard barbecues and having friends and family over, cooking up delicious summertime foods, indulging in a few cocktails, and having some wonderful laughs.
I’d love to be able to tell my kid to hop in the car and we’d drive to the mall, or grab some ice cream together. But I don’t even drive, because, well, I’m chronically ill.
The reality of it is, I just can’t. I’m one of the millions of people who are living with a chronic illness. I’ve been living with them since I was fourteen years old. More often than not, they make life a rather difficult thing to experience. When I was a teenager, I fell into a deep depression, and I had to pull out of high school and give up my dream of becoming a nutritionist. I was homeschooled because it was physically impossible for me to attend school every day. Pile on top all of my mental illness diagnoses, and it was a recipe for disaster. I take a whole cocktail of pills for breakfast.
Between the Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, IBS, GERD, Degenerative Disc Disease, Sciatica, OCD, MDD, and a hip injury I just found out about, I’m a walking mess of physical pain and an emotional trainwreck. On the outside, I look just like any other typical 30-something mom. But my body is my enemy, throwing one rip-snorting fit. And that happens every single day.
To be honest, it’s often hard to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t just mean the typical “I don’t want to get up” thing, but a deep physical aching pain, something akin to the flu, that keeps me sequestered indoors most of the time. I’m even going to confess something that I don’t tell many people — I stay in my pajamas for a good part of the week. Before you ask, yes, I wash them often! But regular clothing is just too much for me to handle sometimes. Many fabrics can physically hurt, depending on what they’re made out of. I’ll get dressed to go to my boyfriend’s each week, or to go to a doctor’s appointment, but that’s pretty much it. Even then, it’s not super fancy.
A good explanation about chronic invisible illness and our energy levels is:
The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino.
I’ve since received plenty of therapy and probably ingested enough medications that could tranquilize a horse. My medical records are thick, and my doctors have certainly seen more of me than they care to. It’s been a long road, and most of the time, I think that I am in a good place, one where I can at least be happy with my life.
But I find that there are days when I get down on myself, where I wonder what it’s like to be a mom who can take her child out spontaneously. I’ve never been a soccer mom, but I wonder what the future will hold. Will I be able to make it to my child’s sporting/activity events all the time? My son is on a bowling league, and there are days when I can’t even make it to the match inside to watch him.
I fear that my son will come to resent me. I’ll admit it, I am scared of that. Sometimes, I feel as though I am in this constant limbo of making my son happy and compromising my health, or taking care of myself and possibly disappointing my son. That is the last thing that I ever want to do. Like any other parent, I want to make my child happy. But, on the other hand, I know that I can’t live my life in fear of that. All I can do is my best to be present for him in the ways that I can be, the way my body allows me to be, and I know that is truly all I can do.
Deep down, I know that in order to take care of him and to be the best mother that I can be, I have to take care of myself, and I have to put my health first sometimes. Even if that means that I can’t take him to the beach, or go to the mall all of the time. I know he loves me no matter what. He tells me all the time. So I think I must be doing an okay job? 🙃
I know that all I can do is my best and be there for my not-so-little boy as he learns and grows each and every day. There is nothing more valuable than the time spent with him, no matter what we may be doing. It’s about the little and special moments, I know that now. So, Syguy, if you’re reading this, I love you, bud! Thanks for sticking with your old mom!
Jennifer has been a writer for over a decade, writing everything from blog posts to buying guides. She is the author of the 2015 book, “Positivity In Pain: Finding Joy & Happiness Despite Chronic Pain.” She has written primarily for parenting websites like What To Expect and Moms.com and currently writes for PassportHealth.com. She founded Positivity In Pain in 2008 after realizing there was a need for support and help online.
I really feel like, as long as we, as parents, do our best with what we have and always lead with love, everything works out.
The thing I’m learning as a mom is that you have to be open about your struggles, as well as let your kids see that you’re trying your absolute best. ♥️.
You mentioned something I often remind myself and my friend of: “I know that in order to take care of him and to be the best mother that I can be, I have to take care of myself, and I have to put my health first sometimes.” This isn’t the easiest thing to do but I can’t agree more with it.
This was such a nice read. I know I am not perfect, and I never strive to me. I am the best mom I can be and yeah, I make mistakes, but I always apologize when I do.
This is a beautiful reminder to me that motherhood isn’t about perfection – it’s slow, messy, and full of growth. Thank you for encouraging self-compassion and embracing who we are, right now.
This was a good read for me. We moms want to be perfect but we have to stop trying.
Thanks for your raw and honest look at the challenges of motherhood while managing chronic pain. Your journey underscores the importance of self-compassion and embracing the present, reminding readers that being present is more valuable than striving for perfection.
I really loved reading this. We are all doing our best as mothers. It’s okay to take some time for yourself too. Sounds like you have gone through a lot and are doing a great job still. As long as you’re doing your best for you and your kids, that’s what matters.
Thank you for sharing such a raw and honest perspective. Learning to love the mom you are, especially while living with chronic pain, is such a powerful and important journey. It’s a reminder that grace and self-compassion are just as crucial as strength. Your words resonate and offer comfort to anyone struggling to embrace their imperfect, beautiful self.
This moved me. Motherhood is a wonderful gift and self love is key! You cannot pour from an empty kettle x
Such a great read! Motherhood is a true Blessing and learning to love who we are is the key to self-loving ourselves. I love how open you are and your perspective on living with chronic pain, I know that feeling all so well!
I just got some news, that means I’ll have fewer spoons to share for the next few months as well, this was really encouraging to read!
Your son will look back with amazement on just how good a mum you are even with chronic illnesses. We all think we could have done better and we just need to take a step back at times and see how our children have grown
I think no matter what our situation is – we tend to have mom guilt. You are doing a great job with the situation you are in. It just shows how strong you are to be able to raise a child when dealing with chronic illness!
I appreciate your candor about your situation and I feel like you should give yourself some grace, as you are doing the best that you can! This blog post also reminded me of the oxygen mask theory, which emphasizes the importance of self-care before helping others.
Jen recently posted…Family Summer Vacation in Carmel and Monterey Bay!
Being a parent is such a difficult job, it sounds like you are ding A-ok!!! Thank you for sharing your story!!
That constant tug between who we are and who we wish we could be as moms? It’s so real. I loved how you put words to that quiet guilt so many of us carry — and then gently flipped it into grace. Felt like a warm reminder that showing up, even imperfectly, is still love.
The part about letting go of the ‘perfect mom’ image was important. some people keep chasing that ideal too often—I think they need to hear this, they are not alone.
I see the daily courage in balancing chronic pain and parenting. Your words remind me that small moments of connection bring deep meaning. You are present in ways that truly matter and we often take that for granted.
I think we are all just doing the best we can. Hopefully we are bringing up empathetic kids.
Chronic illness can be something that you really feel guilt about, but it’s just part of who you are. Thank you for this personal post.
This is such a beautiful reminder! Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with us. We are all doing the best we can and it’s so nice to see other moms being authentic on the. internet!
Our kids really grow up fast! Don’t be so hard on yourself, I’m sure your son knows your struggles and does not resent you at all. You are doing your best, and your best is good enough.