Stop The Pain

BY: Jessica Dumas

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I want to do my part in helping you see that if you or anyone you know is going through abuse, there’s help available. If you haven’t experienced domestic violence or know anyone who has, you also need to know about it because it has become a worldwide crisis which can be a silent killer. It’s silent because people don’t like to talk about it. 

Not only does abuse cause injury and death, but there have been studies that have shown persons who have been abused may develop painful chronic conditions such as Fibromyalgia. 

Many of you may already know this, but according to a study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence in 2017, “female survivors of domestic abuse have nearly twice the risk of developing widespread body pain and chronic fatigue syndrome.” It may not happen right away, as it can start years after the abuse. The abuse doesn’t have to be physical. It can be verbal, sexual, or emotional. In my case, it was all of those.

I’m going to share my story for a few reasons. 1) to encourage others who may be in an abusive relationship. 2) to let you know that the pain inflicted on anyone abused can heal but can also come back years later. 3) to shine some light on why an abused person has a difficult time getting out of the prison of abuse. 4) to tell how I cope with the ongoing pain I have had for over 40 years. 

I was a country girl when I married at age 19 in central Minnesota. He was a sweet city boy a year older, tall, blond, and handsome. There were some red flags while we were dating, but I was very naive and thought his possessiveness was due to loving me. Even my folks thought he was a great guy. He swept me off my feet with his love bombing of gifts and fun times. He even joined my religion and went on trips with my family and I to visit relatives.  

The photo below is of me in his arms before we got married. This chart shows how you can get trapped in an abusive relationship:

Little did I know that I was marrying a man who would nearly kill me. The abuse started slowly like shown above.  I tried to leave him, but he would always find out where I was and sweet-talk me back, saying things like he had quit drinking and was in therapy, which were lies. Things would be fine for a few months, but it wouldn’t last. He would threaten me or my family if I tried to leave him. 

Then I got pregnant, and he would verbally abuse me, but thankfully, I was careful not to hurt the baby. After I had our daughter, he wanted to move to Florida to start a new life. He convinced me that things would be different, and I fell for it because I wanted the marriage to work. After he got me away from my family and friends, the abuse got much worse. In those days there wasn’t much help like there is today.

The next few years are not clear in my mind. This was probably due to having my head knocked around, multiple black eyes and bruises all over, broken ribs, broken teeth, being choked, kicked in the back and buttocks, and having multiple cuts, including almost losing an ear. If I refused sex, he would rape me. Besides all that, I was verbally abused and belittled to the point of not knowing who I was anymore. I became like a robot, clinically depressed and wanting to die. 

I was too weak to fight, so I prayed instead. My prayers were answered with the help of the bus driver I rode to work with every day who introduced me to a very interesting man who was a flight instructor. He had his own airplane and was known by his friends as “The Captain.” I had always wanted to learn to fly. We became good friends while he taught me to fly. Somewhere between the takeoffs and landings, we fell in love. 

The Captain also became my bodyguard, managing to keep my abuser away from me. It took some time, but I got a divorce when my abuser found another woman to torment. Unfortunately, I was only able to get joint custody of our daughter. Years later, when she was in her mid-20s, she told me that he abused her after our breakup, but by that time, she didn’t want anything to do with him, so she didn’t press changes. We were both in therapy for a few years, which helped.

When the Captain proposed to me, I put him off for two years because I was afraid it would go wrong, like the first marriage. He was willing to wait until I was ready. I finally agreed, and we flew to Las Vegas to get married in 1978. We had a happy marriage for 30 years, which gave us two sons and several grandchildren. You can read a longer version of my story in the book I wrote that’s on Amazon called The Captain—A Memoir of Life with the Best Flight Instructor in L.A. County. 

However, during those years, I had horrible nightmares and panic attacks. I also began having back problems that I thought were due to injuries on the job. I worked as an administrative document specialist and had to sit for long hours at the computer. Eventually, I had to retire due to my doctor’s restrictions and chronic condition.

I was in constant pain and then diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. I was going to therapy and put on antidepressants and painkillers. I began my fight with Worker’s Compensation and for disability from Social Security. Then my dear husband had strokes and died in 2007. I had a difficult time due to the grief and not having an income. A year later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught early, so I had surgery and radiation. It was a stressful few years, but it wasn’t over.

My back got worse and worse, but the shots, painkillers, and chiropractic treatments helped some. MRIs showed I had spinal stenosis, scoliosis, peripheral neuropathy, piriformis syndrome, and arthritis. Also, I had degenerative disk disease that was much more severe than it should have been for my age. The odds of back surgery being successful were not good. Also, by then, I was 70 and didn’t want to take the chance that surgery would make it worse. The pain got so bad in my legs that I would wake up screaming at night. My daughter was living with me then, and she would calm me down and do different treatments to help. 

Eventually, I became bedridden. Becoming bedridden was a slow process, but my positive attitude helped me accept it. I’ve always had a laptop and a phone with me, as well as my first-born son, who is now my caregiver. My daughter was with us until last year when her heart gave out at age 53. She had a lot of health issues and was also in pain a lot. Besides being abused by her father, she had two boyfriends who abused her. That’s what I mean by the cycle continues. If you have children who see you get abused, girls are more likely to become abused and boys are more likely to become an abuser. My daughter had four daughters, and at least two have been abused.

Being bedridden has had a silver lining. It allowed me to get off the painkillers that I was addicted to and use them only as needed. Also, I followed one of my dreams of becoming a writer. I’ve written several nonfiction books as a ghostwriter and a few books of my own that I self-published on Amazon. My passion is writing poetry, and I am in the process of writing and self-publishing a poetry book. You can read some of my poetry on my portfolio site, www.jessicajdumas.com.

It’s true that I’ve had a difficult life, but there were some good years, and all my dreams have come true. My dreams started when I was a child who wanted to learn to fly and move to California. I later wanted to work with computers, have my own business, be a butterfly advocate, become a writer, and be a poet. I’ve done them all, and I hope this inspires you to follow your dreams.

I also hope this story will help you watch for those red flags in relationships. If you don’t know what they are, message me. If you know of anyone who may be a victim of domestic violence, try to help them with a Safety Plan for their escape. Remember that the most dangerous time is when the abused one leaves the abuser, so encourage them to call the hotline for advice at 800-799-7233. 

If you have ever experienced abuse, my heart goes out to you, and I hope you’re not in too much pain. Having groups like Positivity In Pain to make friends and get advice is a big help.

Jessica has been a writer and poet for over 10 years. She has written memoirs, poetry books, novels, nonfiction, and children’s books that are available on Amazon and Blurb. She has also been a ghostwriter for several nonfiction books about birds and butterflies. Butterflies are her passion and inspired her to write poetry. She has a virtual assistant and writing service business called the Butterfly Connection. She lives in a small mountain town north of Phoenix, Arizona. Learn more about Jessica on Our Contributors page.