Big Fat Blog Post
I’ve been chubby all my life, save for when I was a small toddler. Now, as a child, I didn’t seem to care too much. I had many more scary things to worry about, like my father passing away. But soon after he died, I became a different person, in terms of how I felt about myself.
I turned thirteen the year my dad passed away. So, of course, there are all those crazy hormones floating around in my body because of puberty. But I started looking at myself, seeing in the mirror, something I didn’t like. I was holding extra weight in places like my hips, stomach, and legs. And so my journey with Body Dysmorphia began.
I started putting myself down, especially when I was going out somewhere. I absolutely hated how I looked. In the mirror, I would see a gross and disgusting person that no one would like. Others would tell me that I look fine, but in my mind, I felt like they were lying. I couldn’t be persuaded.
My biggest issue is that, for some reason, I don’t think that I deserve to be loved. Like as if, somehow, that extra weight makes me an unlovable person. I have a boyfriend who calls me beautiful all the time, but I still can’t believe it. In my mind, I am so afraid of what everyone else thinks of me. As if being fat is something bad. “Fat” isn’t even a dirty word, for goodness’ sake! Might I also remind people that fat people can be healthy, too?
My journey with body dysmorphia has been an incredibly rough one. If anyone else lives with it, they know what it’s like. Constant criticism of my own body by my own brain just doesn’t make sense to me, but that’s what it’s like living with a mental illness. Fat doesn’t make me any fundamentally different person than I was before I was diagnosed with BD. I’m a person with value, integrity, and honesty, and I’m kind, caring, and funny, and so much more. I have all of these other things going for me, so why should I worry about being fat? I’m the same person deep down that I would be at any size. I wouldn’t change.
As a fat person with access to the internet, I am inundated with advertisements for things like Ozemic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro. They get to me sometimes, making me even more insecure, and they make me want to put these chemicals in my body – even more medication than I already take. My doctor asked me about Mounjaro, and I was literally 🤌 this close to taking it. I’m too nervous about any potential side effects that may happen. Maybe that makes me seem stupid, since there are a multitude of shots out there that will literally ultimately slim me down (along with a healthy lifestyle), but that’s just my opinion on it. I just can’t put it in my body.
I know that deep down, I am a beautiful person, just like everyone else. But it is buried so deep down in my brain that I can’t even find that strength when I need it. Some days, BD takes hold so badly that I cry, because I feel so disgusting. I look in the mirror and pick at everything. My face, my arms, legs, my belly, I see it all. And I hate it.
Honestly, everyone says no one even cares about how I look. I’ve come to learn that. Other people are busy with their own lives, so no one has the time to look at me and judge. Being judged is my worst fear, though.
But I’ve been coming out of my comfort zone, little by little. Ever since I was a teen in the summer, I would always wear long pants because of my legs. That went on for years until this year, when I donned a pair of shorts that look and feel great! There were times I thought of putting on pants, but it’s the middle of summer, and it’s massively hot out. So I’ve kept wearing them, and I am pretty proud of myself!
There are days when the BD will rear its ugly head, and other days, I seem to be okay with myself. I know it’s a matter of working on myself, with copious amounts of therapy, I’m sure. All in all, though, at the end of the day, I know it’s what I feel about my own body, not anyone else’s thoughts about it.
Do you have experience with body dysmorphia? Please comment, I’d love to talk.
Jennifer has been a writer for over a decade, writing everything from blog posts to buying guides. She is the author of the 2015 book, “Positivity In Pain: Finding Joy & Happiness Despite Chronic Pain.” She has written primarily for parenting websites like What To Expect and Moms.com. She founded Positivity In Pain in 2008 after realizing there was a need for support and help online. She is also the creator of PiPSTER’s Place, a totally secret online group where members can speak privately about their illnesses. She lives in Northwestern, New Jersey, with her teenage son.
I don’t have Body Dysmorphia, but I’m constantly judging myself in so many ways. I’m not good enough, I’m too this, or not enough that. And so in a way I kinda understand a tiny bit of how you feel. The anxiety it causes, the self-dread and hatred. I’m glad you’re now able to talk to yourself about it to see yourself differently at times. It’s a beginning. And the shorts… now that’s a huge deal!!
I had a friend who went through the exact same thing you did. I had such empathy getting to know her story throughout the years. How much she hated herself, and took it out on her body. Reading your story reminded me of that. ♥️ thank you for sharing.
I feel this on a very deep level. For years, I never considered myself worthy of love, so I ate myself up to 315 pounds. I lost a ton of weight, but I still have dysmorphia. I constantly feel so much larger than I am.
Thank you for sharing something so raw and real. Your words about body dysmorphia and self-worth hit deeply – especially the part about wearing shorts again and reclaiming comfort. That moment felt like such a quiet victory. You’re helping others feel seen, and that’s powerful.
Thank you for reminding me that self-worth isn’t tied to appearance, and that sometimes the bravest step is learning to see the beauty we’re already wearing every day.
Your story made me cry, thank you for sharing your journey! I haven’t seen your body, but I can tell it’s a fantastic one, because it carries a gentle and good soul and the whole point of having a body is for the mind to have a home 🙂
Such a powerful post! I don’t personally struggle with body dysmorphia, but I have a close friend who does. I’m always reminding her of her worth and encouraging her to love herself just as she is. True self-love goes far beyond appearances, it’s about embracing who you are, inside and out.
This hits home with me. When I turned 12, my brother was killed and I too had body issues.
I know this can be difficult to deal with. My daughter had it and is in therapy to help. It seems to be working.
I think all women at one time or another have body issues. Or at least the majority of them. I personally have issues as I have aged, versus when I was younger. With hypothyroidism it has been an uphill battle trying to keep my weight in check. But we are all beautiful, and I keep reminding myself of that every single day!
My cousin has the same situation as this; she has a condition, and the side effect is her getting fat. But she exercises and follows a good diet.
I was nodding along, laughing, and low-key getting emotional all at once. It’s messy, it’s real, and it totally captures that weird in-between feeling so many of us are living in. Honestly, it made me feel a little less alone.
Body dysmorphia is something i suffered from for the longest time. It takes time and a ton of courage to understand the reason why and how to deal with it. Adopting a healthy lifestyle in general helped me a lot.
I think to some extent I have suffered from this myself. I think it is way too easy for us to judge ourselves and think badly of the way we look – and other people don’t see us that way!
I can completely sympathise having had this myself. It’s hard to see ourselves as anything other than too thin, to large, having bad skin etc sometimes especially when others drill it into our heads. It takes courage to start stepping out of your comfort zone, so well done for doing that!
While I haven’t been diagnosed with BD I know exactly how you feel. I’ve always been larger other than for a year or so in my early to mid 20’s and even then I didn’t feel any better about myself x
Thank you so much for sharing this. It takes real courage to be this honest. I relate to a lot of what you said, especially the part about constantly second-guessing compliments and feeling like people are just being nice. It’s inspiring to hear you’re making steps, like wearing shorts and owning your space. You’re not alone in this.
I am so proud of you for putting on that pair of shorts….and for continuing to wear them! What a monumental win for you!
Thank you for sharing your story and for being so vulnerable. Your message is important.
You are important.
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing your story so openly. 💛 It takes a lot of courage to put into words the struggles that come with body dysmorphia, especially when it’s tied to deep life experiences and grief. I could feel the honesty and rawness in every part of what you wrote. I admire your strength, your self-awareness, and your willingness to talk about something so many people silently battle. Please keep writing and sharing, your words will help others feel less alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It was very moving for me as I struggled with disordered eating as a teenager.
What a beautifully written post. It’s really digs deep into what you’re going through. I’m happy you’ve slowly been getting more comfortable with your body and you’ve been wearing shorts during the summer. I’ve been gaining weight, and I gained weight rapidly. I have stretch marks. I’ve been learning to embrace my changing body. It hasn’t been easy though, but I’m trying. Thankyou for sharing this post and for your vulnerability.
Sorry to hear this! I am also having problems with my weight. Just like you, I don’t like the person I see in the mirror, but I am still hopeful that I can have a healthier body with these baby steps I’m making towards weight loss.
Thank you for your honesty and courage with sharing your story. I struggle with body image sometimes, but keep it to myself as I don’t want my daughter to be affected by it.
Jen recently posted…Back-to-School College Gift Guide 2025
Thank you for sharing such a personal post. It must have been so isolating and sad to feel that you aren’t deserving of love, what a tough thing to deal with.
I have no experience of Body Dysmorphia. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
I had never heard of the term, Body Dysmorphia, but I have also been overweight most of my life. Followed lots of diets, until I underwent Gastric Bypass Surgery. Am no longer overweight and never felt better
I’m sorry that you have been battling with this struggle. I can relate to it for myself and my kids. It is hard to power through it in an age where image is always being discussed.