I’ve been chubby all my life, save for when I was a small toddler. Now, as a child, I didn’t seem to care too much. I had many more scary things to worry about, like my father passing away. But soon after he died, I became a different person, in terms of how I felt about myself.
I turned thirteen the year my dad passed away. So, of course, there are all those crazy hormones floating around in my body because of puberty. But I started looking at myself, seeing in the mirror, something I didn’t like. I was holding extra weight in places like my hips, stomach, and legs. And so my journey with Body Dysmorphia began.
I started putting myself down, especially when I was going out somewhere. I absolutely hated how I looked. In the mirror, I would see a gross and disgusting person that no one would like. Others would tell me that I look fine, but in my mind, I felt like they were lying. I couldn’t be persuaded.
My biggest issue is that, for some reason, I don’t think that I deserve to be loved. Like as if, somehow, that extra weight makes me an unlovable person. I have a boyfriend who calls me beautiful all the time, but I still can’t believe it. In my mind, I am so afraid of what everyone else thinks of me. As if being fat is something bad. “Fat” isn’t even a dirty word, for goodness’ sake! Might I also remind people that fat people can be healthy, too?
My journey with body dysmorphia has been an incredibly rough one. If anyone else lives with it, they know what it’s like. Constant criticism of my own body by my own brain just doesn’t make sense to me, but that’s what it’s like living with a mental illness. Fat doesn’t make me any fundamentally different person than I was before I was diagnosed with BD. I’m a person with value, integrity, and honesty, and I’m kind, caring, and funny, and so much more. I have all of these other things going for me, so why should I worry about being fat? I’m the same person deep down that I would be at any size. I wouldn’t change.
As a fat person with access to the internet, I am inundated with advertisements for things like Ozemic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro. They get to me sometimes, making me even more insecure, and they make me want to put these chemicals in my body – even more medication than I already take. My doctor asked me about Mounjaro, and I was literally 🤌 this close to taking it. I’m too nervous about any potential side effects that may happen. Maybe that makes me seem stupid, since there are a multitude of shots out there that will literally ultimately slim me down (along with a healthy lifestyle), but that’s just my opinion on it. I just can’t put it in my body.
I know that deep down, I am a beautiful person, just like everyone else. But it is buried so deep down in my brain that I can’t even find that strength when I need it. Some days, BD takes hold so badly that I cry, because I feel so disgusting. I look in the mirror and pick at everything. My face, my arms, legs, my belly, I see it all. And I hate it.
Honestly, everyone says no one even cares about how I look. I’ve come to learn that. Other people are busy with their own lives, so no one has the time to look at me and judge. Being judged is my worst fear, though.
But I’ve been coming out of my comfort zone, little by little. Ever since I was a teen in the summer, I would always wear long pants because of my legs. That went on for years until this year, when I donned a pair of shorts that look and feel great! There were times I thought of putting on pants, but it’s the middle of summer, and it’s massively hot out. So I’ve kept wearing them, and I am pretty proud of myself!
There are days when the BD will rear its ugly head, and other days, I seem to be okay with myself. I know it’s a matter of working on myself, with copious amounts of therapy, I’m sure. All in all, though, at the end of the day, I know it’s what I feel about my own body, not anyone else’s thoughts about it.
Do you have experience with body dysmorphia? Please comment, I’d love to talk.
Jennifer has been a writer for over a decade, writing everything from blog posts to buying guides. She is the author of the 2015 book, “Positivity In Pain: Finding Joy & Happiness Despite Chronic Pain.” She has written primarily for parenting websites like What To Expect and Moms.com. She founded Positivity In Pain in 2008 after realizing there was a need for support and help online. She is also the creator of PiPSTER’s Place, a totally secret online group where members can speak privately about their illnesses. She lives in Northwestern, New Jersey, with her teenage son.