Radio silence. I know that is what everyone has been hearing from me lately. But it is not without a good reason, though. To be honest, I was first in a mental ward at the beginning of May. Then, I ended up relapsed into my depression so quickly that I actually went to a bona fide behavioral hospital. As you guys know, this doesn’t make me ashamed. For the past couple of weeks, I had felt myself slowly slipping into a dark place.
I had no ambition to do anything at all. So, I took it into my own hands and called 911 myself. I knew that the suicidal thoughts were overtaking me. I knew that this time around that a simple phone call to my psychiatrist wasn’t going to be enough, so I signed myself into our local behavioral health center. I needed to make changes, which is a slow process, but I had to start somewhere.
The first night and subsequent day were rough. I really just wanted to spend time in bed. The chronic pain that I live with just is so relentless. I couldn’t even get any pain medication on the ward or in the hospital. But I had to press on. So I did. I was awake every morning journaling. I was eventually released. But I had a full breakdown about a week later and was sent to a psychiatric hospital to be evaluated further.
I was in there for six days. Six days of intensive groups and seeing a psychiatrist, it was something that I needed though. That kick in the ass, that motivation to get the fuck up and start living my life. My boyfriend even bought me self-help books, which are really good, one of them is by Brene Brown, I hadn’t been introduced to her work until then. I definitely want to read more of her stuff!
Currently, I am in a virtual intensive outpatient program, where I go to a group – thank heavens for Zoom, right? And we all just kind of hash everything out. It is helpful, and I do enjoy it, even though I still have some days where I don’t even want to bother. I get up and I go do things. I’m slowly getting back to life again. I just have to learn more about how to fix my self-esteem. What do you find can help with your self-esteem?