Living With ‘Pure O’
Did I lock the door?
Did I lock the door?
Did I lock the door?
Okay, I locked the door.
Now I have to wash my hands. *opens door to wash hands.*
Shit, did I lock the door?
I get out of the car. I did lock the door. Fine. This is typical of someone with what you would normally hear about OCD. But it is so much more than that.
They have the obsessiveness of did I lock the door? Then there is always the compulsiveness of touching said doorknob, washing your hands fifty or so times to make sure that they are clean. I’m just trying to come up with a decent example. I know this isn’t typical for everyone or even anyone with OCD.
However, I am trying to open up a dialogue about “Purely Obsessional OCD.” It’s just like it sounds, too. It’s purely obsessional. But so many people don’t even understand that this exists. This means that my mind acts much like a broken record, or a CD that skips. It focuses on one small little thing that pops into my head. But the problem with purely obsessional OCD, is that it will “often manifest as intrusive, unwanted, inappropriate thoughts, impulses or “mental images.” We’re often suffering in silence, and often without the “compulsion” aspect of regular OCD.
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It can be broken up into different areas, as well. This is taken from ocdla.com. It explains a little better about what purely obsessional OCD patients ruminate over. Now, notice one word that keeps popping up is “unwanted,” and “intrusive.”
- Recurrent intrusive harm thoughts or mental images of physically assaulting or killing one’s spouse, parent, child, self, friends, or others (sometimes called “Harm OCD“)
- Repeatedly worrying that one has or will run over a pedestrian while driving a vehicle (sometimes called “hit and run OCD)
- Excessive fears that one might accidentally cause harm to other people (i.e., burning down the house, unknowingly poisoning others, inadvertently exposing others to toxic chemicals)
- Persistent fears of molesting a child (sometimes called “pedophile OCD” or “POCD”
- Recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called “Gay OCD” or “Sexual Orientation OCD” or “Homosexual OCD” or “HOCD“)
- Excessively worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the “right” person (sometimes called “Relationship OCD” or “ROCD“
- Repetitive thoughts that one has said or written something inappropriate, such as swearing at ones employer or writing hate-filled letters to a friend
- Persistent intrusive thoughts or mental images that one considers to be sinful, sacrilegious or blasphemous, such as wanting to worship Satan or have sex with Christ
- Recurrent fears that one is sinning or not living (or thinking) in a manner that is congruent with their religious, moral, or ethical values (sometimes called “Scrupulosity“)
- Repeatedly thinking about benign somatic issues such as breathing, swallowing, blinking, eye “floaters”, ringing in the ears, digestion, where one’s eyes are looking, physical sensations in a specific body part, etc. (sometimes called “sensorimotor OCD” or “somatic OCD)
- Recurrent thoughts questioning the nature of the self or reality (sometimes called “existential OCD”)
Now, I am not going to open up and say which ones that I am living with. I think broadcasting that across the internet for the world to see would probably not be the best idea. But yes, I do live with one or more of the above recurring thoughts that manifest in my mind. But the biggest thing that comforts me is that almost everything that I read, as well as assurance from my psychiatrist tells me that I would NEVER act upon any of these thoughts, as they are “ego-dystonic,” the furthest thing from said patient’s character. Thus, why they scare the patient so much.
The diagnosis was, well, for lack of a better word, a total bitch. I was diagnosed as bipolar, depressed, you name it, I was diagnosed with it. Medication was thrown at me, I was tossed into the mental ward without any doctor even trying to pick apart what was truly going on. If it wasn’t for a therapist I was seeing at one point that even mentioned Pure O, I would likely still never know that it existed. I lived with it since I was NINE years old. Can you imagine a nine year old living with these kinds of intrusive thoughts? It was a scary ride to get to where I am now.
Imagine once I became a mom. These said thoughts got worse and worse, couple that with post-partum depression, and I was a holy mess. I was scared that I was a bad mom, like I didn’t deserve this beautiful child that I had. What if I passed it on to him? I was very scared, some days I still am. But I have an amazing support system within my family and my loving boyfriend. Things are better today, even though I still have the “thoughts,” I rarely let them bother me. But I have my bad days, just like anyone else.
Today, I am on the proper medication, seeing my psychiatrist regularly, and I am not so afraid of my own mind anymore. Sure, you may catch me tapping a pencil on the table exactly 20 times, tapping my foot on the floor in repetitions of five, doing random things in a sequence of numbers. Compulsions are supposed to quell the obsessions, but they rarely do for me.
I really wanted to truly open up a conversation about Purely Obsessional OCD. I barely see it anywhere, and it needs to be talked about more!
Here’s a great question: If you have a mental illness, will you stand up for it?
Will you help others by sharing your story?
I don’t have OCD but I do have anxiety, so I’m familiar with the worry thoughts of “Did I lock the door?” Thank you for sharing your story. It helps others know they are not alone.
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I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I completely understand. I don’t have OCD, but I have tendencies to obsess and worry in certain situations. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone.
I definitely have OCD tendencies. It’s never been crippling. I just manage my thoughts somehow.
Wow. So much good information here. I’m close with someone who struggles and it’s made me very cognascent about the slang terms I use about being particular. I no longer say I’m so “ocd” about how things are organized.
Thank you for sharing your story with “Purely Obsessional OCD.” and bring awarness to others. Like you said, too many are suffering in silence and it’s high time that stigma is broken.
I dont have ocd but i do struggle with anxiety so I definitely understand. Thank you for sharing this- you’re not alone in your feelings.
I had a friend at school who had this – she wouldn’t step on the lines of the pavings on the sidewalk and would count in 2s when she walk.
This was a highly interesting read – if only to find out that I’m quite relaxed and don’t suffer from OCD. However, it’s important to learn about these things – already to seek help on time.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. This is definitely bring awareness to everyone not to be afraid to show their self even though they have OCD. Proper medication should be done for your to manage this health issue. I learned a lot with your story, thank you!
I relate to this post SO much. I have found myself googling wanting to find something that will assure me I’m not going crazy. Once I got put on my anti anxiety meds the obsessive thoughts have totally calmed down. It’s nice to know I’m not alone! Thank you for being so open and honest.
Wow! I’ve never heard of this. I can definitely see some of the symptoms in myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story! I think that it is so important that our society talk more openly about mental health and bring more awareness to the issue. People need to know that they are not alone, and also how to support family and friends!
This sounds so much like my anxiety.
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Thank you for sharing your story and bring awareness about OCD.
This is the first time encountering such article. As I reexamine myself, I think I’m somehow somewhat, perfectionist. does it mean I have OCD?
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Thank you for writing this. I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts as well. I’m glad you are doing better!
Thank you for sharing this very informative post. I do not have any idea myself about OCD. I never knew the struggle of having it. Now I understand.
I don’t OCD (and I am very lucky I don’t) but I do think it’s important to read such posts so I can understand people who have it better, having more types makes it easier for me to understand because if you can’t relate to it, it gets harder to see actual (not generalized) symptoms.
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This is such an interesting post. I did not know much about OCD, because when you think of it… Mostly what pops in peopels heads is someone who is a clean freak. I think that has a lot to do with society and the film industry. This was very educational.
While reading this, it reflects on me that my mum is with OCD tendencies, learnt much more from here. Cheers Siennylovesdrawing
I had irrational thoughts that ALL surfaces are full of germs. It hasn’t progressed to Pure O, but sometimes I get paranoid and I had this compulsion to wipe things clean and I always carry wipes/tissue and hand sanitizers (yes, even before covid). It’s kind of weird but I learned to tone in down. I’m not as obsessive but it’s still there. Thanks for the insightful post!
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This is awesome you got stronger and can face things like this. I haven’t experience one before but I understand that it can be difficult sometimes
I can relate to a lot of this. It is tough when my mind is always racing with thoughts. Good to know I am not alone!
While I knew about OCD and know friends and family who deal with it, I did not realize there was so much more to it and so many types as well. Thanks for raising awareness and sharing information about this
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Well I don’t have ocd but My husband has anxiety issue and I know how it must be like and I totally support him in his codmtion.
It is really insightful to learn about a person wtih OCD and what they go through. I learned so much!
So I am not going to lie, when you started off describing what it is like for people suffering from Purely Obsessional OCD I imagined a person like the tv character Adrian Monk. But dang, it can be far worse in the many examples of thoughts and styles that fall under the Purely Obsessional OCD umbrella. So many of them seem to be based on relationships to others in dark or neurotic overtones. I can somewhat imagine the fear of hurting loved ones but all of the harmful or ones based on demons and sin just seem tragic. I would never wish this upon anyone.
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